Scared
by TheUSofCalzona
Summary: She's always scared until one day she isn't. Season 6 Story


A/N - Had this on my LJ and wanted to bring it over!

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All she knew was fear. Fear of failing, fear of killing someone, fear of falling. She was scared all the time, she was always scared that she was going to wake up and this was all a dream. She'd wake up back in Iowa next to her high school boyfriend who was her husband now; 6 children would rush in the room and demand she make them breakfast. Her life would be like she had been raised for it to be. She was scared maybe she should have just taken that life and not tried for a different one.

After the shooting she didn't leave her apartment, not for three weeks. She was thankful she lived in a city where she could get nearly everything from food to shampoo and toilet paper shipped to her apartment. She could stay where it was safe and warm, where she wasn't scared.

When she heard the knock at the door she wasn't expecting to see Jackson Avery on the other side, with his nearly shaved head and those eyes. She was scared he was going to take her back to real life. Where it wasn't safe.

"Open the door, April." Jackson called from the other side of it. "I know you're in there."

Slowly April turned the lock so that she could let the other doctor in. She was thankful she had showered this morning and changed her clothes; she hadn't for three days before that. She looked like the old April, like she always had.

"What is it, Jackson?" She asked softly, looking up into those eyes. His eyes were the most perfect color, the most perfect eyes in the whole world.

"Can I come in?" Jackson asked, looking past April and seeing that her apartment was done in purple, he knew it was her favorite color, with blue trims. He could see week's worth of take out cartons neatly tied in trash bags. "Please?"

April moved to let him in and locked the door as soon as he was inside. She was surprised to find she felt safer than before. Something about having a man there, a man that would protect her if something happened took some of her scared away.

"You missed the hospital meeting today." Jackson said, sitting on her black leather couch. "Webber told me to tell you that you can come in tomorrow and he will tell you what's going on, a few others missed it, too."

"I'm not going back, Jackson." April said softly, slowly sitting down next to him, her hands neatly folded in her lap. "I am going to find another job, maybe as a personal assistant."

"No." Jackson shook his head, taking one of her hands out of her lap and holding it. "April I know this shooting thing has affected all of us but we have to go back to our jobs."

"I'm scared Jackson, all the time." April whispered, her brown eyes welling with tears again. "I'm scared that I will walk back in there and be shot, I'm scared that I will kill another person because I am ill prepared, I'm scared I wasted my whole life on something that's not for me."

Jackson shifted closer to her, offering his shoulder for her to cry on. "I'm scared, too." He whispered, kissing the top of her head. He smelt lavender and chocolate, two scents that he knew always associated with her now. "But we can't let that affect us because our job is to save people's lives."

April couldn't hold the tears back anymore and they feel. "Reed was my best friend, she was my roommate in 4 years of college and 4 years of medical school and has been for all my time in Seattle. I was closer to her than any of my sisters. I buried my best friend." She let out the pain she had felt over her loss, let out what she had kept inside of herself because her mother always said it was selfish to think of yourself when a love one died.

"I know, April." Jackson rubbed her back softly and slowly to try to calm her down. "Charles and Reed were our friends and they are gone and it sucks. But she would kick your ass for tossing away everything."

April laughed though her tears. "Yeah, she would." She muttered, pulling back and grabbing a Kleenex to clean her face off with. "She loved Charles since we were interns and didn't say anything to him, he was in love with her and didn't say anything to her. That scares me because what if I fall in love with a man and never tell him, hold it inside until it's too late?"

Jackson moved his hand up and tucked some hair behind her ear. "Maybe you should find a man who will tell you how beautiful you are, how smart you are, how much he respects you, how he thinks the way you care about people is amazing, someone who will hold you and let you cry on his shoulder because he knows how much you keep inside. Maybe if you find that man you won't be scared anymore."

April tilted her head and looked at Jackson, looked into those perfect eyes. "Jackson." She whispered, leaning forward and kissing him, not knowing if he was talking about him or another man but not caring. No one had come close to saying words like that to her before, ever.

Jackson brought his hand to her cheek as the kiss deepened. He could feel just how needy she was, just how much she was putting into this kiss. He smiled against her lips as she pulled at his shirt trying to get it off. He pulled back and removed the cotton she was so ready to be gone.

April's eyes widened a little as they raked over the upper body of the person in front of her. "Wow." She muttered. She had seen farmers all her life, some good looking and most not, but Jackson raised the bar to a whole new level.

Jackson gave her that lazy smile she loved so much, that I know I'm pretty and it's ok that you look at me smile, before lifting her up into his arms and carrying her down the hall toward her bedroom.

She couldn't help but look up at him, look at that tanned skin and strong jaw. She brushed her hand over a tattoo of a lion on her shoulder as he laid her down on her bed. He moved to the head of the bed and removed the stuffed bears and other animals. The other men April had brought home, well just one after she had been fired and he passed out before that got anywhere, tossed them on the floor carelessly. Jackson took them and carefully set them in a chair.

April stood and with shaking hands she took her top off, folding it and putting it in dirty clothing basked. She took her jeans off and left herself in her bra and panties. She felt self aware now she was wearing Family Guy underwear.

Jackson finished turning the bed down before turning around and taking a look at April. He saw her fidget and knew she was nervous. He walked over to her, taking her hand and kissing her wrist softly.

"I think you are beautiful and smart, sexy and funny. I fine that you give yourself pep talks to be so unbelievingly charming." He wrapped his left arm around her waist and pulled her against him after he took his jeans off. "I'm not in love with you but I really like you and I'd the change to try to fall in love with you."

April was torn between breaking down in tears and jumping Jackson's bones. She settled for a kiss, her tongue finding a place in his mouth that caused his arms to tighten around her. She pulled back and rested her hands around him on his back.

"I haven't ever done this." Pink ran across her cheeks and now her neck. "I mean I haven't been with a man before this and I understand if that turns you off." She whispered, scared again that this would mess up the only good thing that has ever happened to her.

Jackson, true to his knight and scrubs, just kissed her and carried her the short space to the bed, tumbling them back so he was on top of her. He kissed her again, this time slowly and with a smolder that made her glad she wasn't standing.

"I promise I'll take care of you April." Jackson took her hand and kissed it before pulling it over his heart. "For as long as you let me."

April smiled up at her, fighting tears. "The condoms are in my bedside table." Reed had bought her a pack on her birthday as a gag gift.

Twenty-eight years of being scared had ended with his hands on her skin; had ended with him promising to take care of her. She couldn't help the tears that leaked out as she relaxed and started to more actively participate in their love making, the pain gone and replaced with the most wonderful feelings.

"Will you have lunch with me after I see the chief tomorrow?" April whispered, her head on Jackson's chest after the love making was over.

"I will." Jackson whispered, his arm around her waist. "I will have lunch with you everyday if you want me too."

April lifted her head and gave Jackson a soft kiss. "Will you be here when I wake up?" She asked, her body worn out from the last few weeks and the last few hours.

"Promise." Jackson whispered, giving her another kiss before he shifted and spooned her.

April felt all the fear she had held on to, all the reasons not to go back to work slip away. She wasn't scared more.


End file.
